2012

For the past two + years, this have been difficult. More than difficult. They say God only gives you what you can handle? Well, my hands are overflowing and I'm not sure how much more we can take. Is this a trial to see how we handle stress and difficult times?

We have three beautiful, amazing, intelligent, unique, generous, loving daughters. They're each their own person, with their own personalities, their own style, attitudes, etc. Our middle daughter has had a hard time lately. She has major depression, PTSD and is suicidal. She's tried to commit suicide 3 times now, the most recent being in October when she literally jumped out of a moving SUV. She's now admitted to a intensive residential treatment facility for adolescents. This is the absolute, most devastating, most traumatic experience of our lives. Our daughter is hurting and as her mother I'm supposed to be able to 'fix' that hurt. I'm supposed to be able to help her heal. But I can't. She's beyond the point of our help & is now in the care of wonderful ladies that have experience with teens who are struggling. I do not like the term "troubled teens". What a horrible expression. These girls are depressed. Does that make them trouble? Does that make them less worthy of any other teen who needs medical help? Why is there this huge stigma with mental health issues? Why is it when a teen (or adult for that matter) needs help for depression, PTSD, or any mental health disorder, people are no longer there? They turn their backs. Not only on the person who needs the help but the family who is trying to be there to support that person. We don't know how to help her. We don't know how to reach her. We feel as though we've failed her as parents because we couldn't help her through this. Her perception of us is on a totally different spectrum of our perception on how we've been busting our asses 24/7 trying to help ALL girls.

She's been admitted since 10/5. That's 85 of the longest days of my life. 2,040 hours of hell. Of not knowing what she's suffering through and not being able to be there to hold her when she's having a bad day. Last night she was so homesick and crying on the phone. What do you say to your child, who's crying her eyes out, when you can't reach out and hold her; wipe away her tears. I know being at the RTC is the best way for her to get the help she desperately needs. My heart just aches because she's suffering; I don't know what to do to help. I just want to SCREAM, "SOMEONE PLEASE HELP US!"

It's obvious to me (now) that I need to go through counseling for myself as well. There are so many things/issues in my life I need to work through, as hard as facing them may be. I have to do this! I have to help myself get better before I can help my child, my husband and my marriage. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I know I have to. Admitting this is hard. Admitting I can't do this alone any longer is excruciating. I'm supposed to be this strong, independent, I can conquer the world mom/wife and I can't do any of those things right now. I can't reach through my amazing daughters depression and pull her out and find the wonderful person I know is in there. I can't heal her pain from a traumatic event she went through and make her remember there is so much to live for. I can't reach inside her heart or touch her soul and instantly heal all of her being. I wish and I do pray, multiple times a day, for help & guidance. Religion is an issue for me. Why would God let me child be hurt and have to deal with this horrible pain? I don't know the answer. I can only hope He is guiding her and helping her through this. I'm trying to work on that aspect of my life too. 

If anyone knows a child who's been through a traumatic experience, has depression, has been bullied - HELP THEM! Reach out and just let them know you're there. So many people are struggling with mental health issues and the stigma that they're 'broken' or 'can't be helped' is ridiculous. Something needs to be done in this world about bullying! About hurting one another! Why do people do this? Why do teenagers, especially girls, set out and spitefully hurt another person. It makes no sense to me at all.

I'll try and update this more frequently. I know there's no one reading but hopefully it'll help me.  

Well, 2010 has pretty much been shit! I wanted to start this blog as a way for me to keep a journal. Obviously that hasn't happened since it's now July and this is only like the 2nd or 3rd post I'm writing. I do have a good reason. Make that pleural - reasons!! 


Let's see...November 2009 started out with our yougest daughter (A) being admitted into the hospital for pneumonia, H1N1 and an asthma exacerbation. That happened a week and a half before we were supposed to go to Disney. We'd planned the Disney trip to spend family time together because my hubby was being deployed on 12/3. Fortunately, A got out of the hospital 4 days before the trip & the physician's all cleared her to go on the trip as long as she took it easy & didn't overdo herself. The trip was nice! We got back from Disney and found out that hubby's physician was diagnosing him with sleep apnea & not allowing him to deploy for at least 6 months because he had to 'watch' him for a minimum of 6 months, put him on a CPAP machine (which, by the way, scares the hell out of our pugs in the middle of the night) and that was that. So, January rolls around, then February...etc. Everyone knows how the months go. We get word that hubby will be leaving in July and his MD approved this one - so we had to prepare ourselves. In the midst of this, my cousin - who I've always considered closer to being a sister, died in her sleep. She was 36. She has a 4 year old beautiful daughter. We weren't planning on it but we had to make an emergency trip to the East Coast. I was a *bit* pissed off that she was cremated before I could see her. The last time I saw her was in 2008. Furthermore, she was bi-polar; or, that's what I was told. Who knows what goes on in your family when you're 5000 miles away. I don't think I've ever gotten the truth of what's happened over the past few years after we moved away. That's part of the 'good & bad' of the miliary life. Well, we made the trip, survived (if you can call it that), came back and hubby left. Needless to say, he has already been gone for various reasons, Sr. Leadership Academy, Base Site Visits, etc. etc. etc. When he went to the Academy he was there 6 weeks. Came home for 3 went to family for 1 came back & he left after another week went by. We didn't have a lot of time to say goodbye. On one hand that was probably for the better but it still rips my heart out. 


Dropping him off at the airport, some guy yells, "Hey man - Thanks for your service" as the girls and I stand there with tears streaming down our faces. I know thousands of families' are just like ours. It doesn't make it any easier. I try to remember we're not the only ones & he's maybe in a safer area than other military forces are, and the other billion excuses than run through my head. Doesn't help when I'm sitting in bed late at night, trying to remember that he's got it thousands worse than we do. He doesn't have anyone there. He doesn't have friends there yet. He is on a night shift so he's only has about 3-5 other people working with him. I'm praying he will find someone he may have something in common with to at least pass the time. We send letters, boxes; but, really?? Is that how we express our misery, loneliness and utter hopelessness that seems to be overwhelming at times? Our oldest daughter (K) doesn't really express too much. I know she misses her dad but she is 17, going to be a Senior this year and has a boyfriend 5000 miles away. That's where her concern is. Our middle daughter (M) is having a REALLY hard time with it. She's always been 'daddy's little girl' and she also tends to keep her emotions to herself. Not a good thing. She finally opened up to me a few days ago and just broke down. I am really concerned about her. I don't know where to turn for help. If I call her pediatrician - will they code us so that we won't be eligible to PCS to other bases? If hubby makes his next stripe, we'd like to go overseas (much to the dismay of family) but will they q-code him (whatever the hell that means) like they did when his doctor said no?? Will he be forced to retire like SO, SO MANY of his friends are? 


Just don't know where to turn sometimes. I hate the base we are stationed at! I do work - night shift - 3 nights a week. There are some people that I'd rather never be around again but don't have much of a choice on that one. I'm proud of myself that I've kept my mouth shut this time around though. That's pretty hard to do.


I don't know what my life's meaning is or what tomorrow holds. I'm scared I will never figure that out. I'm scared for our girls'. I'm scared of losing my husband for no other reason than his service to our Country. For now, I'll just keep PRAYING and pleading with God to keep my family safe. I suppose that's all anyone can do. Pray!! ~~