Well, 2010 has pretty much been shit! I wanted to start this blog as a way for me to keep a journal. Obviously that hasn't happened since it's now July and this is only like the 2nd or 3rd post I'm writing. I do have a good reason. Make that pleural - reasons!! 


Let's see...November 2009 started out with our yougest daughter (A) being admitted into the hospital for pneumonia, H1N1 and an asthma exacerbation. That happened a week and a half before we were supposed to go to Disney. We'd planned the Disney trip to spend family time together because my hubby was being deployed on 12/3. Fortunately, A got out of the hospital 4 days before the trip & the physician's all cleared her to go on the trip as long as she took it easy & didn't overdo herself. The trip was nice! We got back from Disney and found out that hubby's physician was diagnosing him with sleep apnea & not allowing him to deploy for at least 6 months because he had to 'watch' him for a minimum of 6 months, put him on a CPAP machine (which, by the way, scares the hell out of our pugs in the middle of the night) and that was that. So, January rolls around, then February...etc. Everyone knows how the months go. We get word that hubby will be leaving in July and his MD approved this one - so we had to prepare ourselves. In the midst of this, my cousin - who I've always considered closer to being a sister, died in her sleep. She was 36. She has a 4 year old beautiful daughter. We weren't planning on it but we had to make an emergency trip to the East Coast. I was a *bit* pissed off that she was cremated before I could see her. The last time I saw her was in 2008. Furthermore, she was bi-polar; or, that's what I was told. Who knows what goes on in your family when you're 5000 miles away. I don't think I've ever gotten the truth of what's happened over the past few years after we moved away. That's part of the 'good & bad' of the miliary life. Well, we made the trip, survived (if you can call it that), came back and hubby left. Needless to say, he has already been gone for various reasons, Sr. Leadership Academy, Base Site Visits, etc. etc. etc. When he went to the Academy he was there 6 weeks. Came home for 3 went to family for 1 came back & he left after another week went by. We didn't have a lot of time to say goodbye. On one hand that was probably for the better but it still rips my heart out. 


Dropping him off at the airport, some guy yells, "Hey man - Thanks for your service" as the girls and I stand there with tears streaming down our faces. I know thousands of families' are just like ours. It doesn't make it any easier. I try to remember we're not the only ones & he's maybe in a safer area than other military forces are, and the other billion excuses than run through my head. Doesn't help when I'm sitting in bed late at night, trying to remember that he's got it thousands worse than we do. He doesn't have anyone there. He doesn't have friends there yet. He is on a night shift so he's only has about 3-5 other people working with him. I'm praying he will find someone he may have something in common with to at least pass the time. We send letters, boxes; but, really?? Is that how we express our misery, loneliness and utter hopelessness that seems to be overwhelming at times? Our oldest daughter (K) doesn't really express too much. I know she misses her dad but she is 17, going to be a Senior this year and has a boyfriend 5000 miles away. That's where her concern is. Our middle daughter (M) is having a REALLY hard time with it. She's always been 'daddy's little girl' and she also tends to keep her emotions to herself. Not a good thing. She finally opened up to me a few days ago and just broke down. I am really concerned about her. I don't know where to turn for help. If I call her pediatrician - will they code us so that we won't be eligible to PCS to other bases? If hubby makes his next stripe, we'd like to go overseas (much to the dismay of family) but will they q-code him (whatever the hell that means) like they did when his doctor said no?? Will he be forced to retire like SO, SO MANY of his friends are? 


Just don't know where to turn sometimes. I hate the base we are stationed at! I do work - night shift - 3 nights a week. There are some people that I'd rather never be around again but don't have much of a choice on that one. I'm proud of myself that I've kept my mouth shut this time around though. That's pretty hard to do.


I don't know what my life's meaning is or what tomorrow holds. I'm scared I will never figure that out. I'm scared for our girls'. I'm scared of losing my husband for no other reason than his service to our Country. For now, I'll just keep PRAYING and pleading with God to keep my family safe. I suppose that's all anyone can do. Pray!! ~~